Reveal
by Alysmiller
Summary: This is kind of what I want to happen when Brendan reveals the abuse to Ste.


You know that your time is coming to an end. Too many bad things have happened to you now and to the people you love. You put Cheryl in danger, Maxine in danger and most importantly, Steven, the man who is the beat of your heart, the man who seems to be your life source, your drug, but at the same time he is your kryptonite. But you can't and never will be able to get enough of him. You'd rather go through years of bumps than live a day without him.

After you beat him to a pulp, you thought that was it. You thought you'd never be able to touch that golden brown skin again, hold his beautifully light frame in your arms, plant little kisses along his sharp and structured jaw line, meet your lips together in perfect harmony, all because you lashed out. Sure you were smashed out of your face but that is no excuse. You tried and tried, excuse after excuse, but now you need to take responsibility and you know that. Cheryl had emphasised that when she forced you to look at your bloodied knuckles.

It killed you to look at your hand, his rich red blood smeared all over your fingers. You were disgusted with yourself, because he looks at you like you're his world. Pushing him away seemed like the best thing to do because everybody else seemed to be against you so why shouldn't he? After everything you did to him. He hasn't forgotten, and neither have you. If anything it haunts you more and more each day.

After the recent events with Walker, you need to be able to live your life with no distractions and nothing to hold you back. The secret you have lived with your whole life. The one that no-body knows about apart from Walker of-course, that little rat Kevin and Anne. Dear, sweet Anne; the woman who was truly your rock throughout the roughest patches of your life. She was one of the few who understood you, yet she was the one who found you the most confusing.

You can't hide anymore. You can't let the past haunt you and that's when you are hit by a wave of nostalgia, a reflection of your life.

You remember hearing his footsteps, heavy and slow, trudging along the hallway and you expect him to carry on down the hall because his bedroom was at the very end. But no. He comes to a halt outside of your bedroom and you hear the handle click. It was unusual, but you felt safe in his presence. He and your Ma had taught you the beauty of the world and everything in it.

But when you see his face, highlighted by the dim light of the hallway, his eyes shadowed and his stance slightly slouched, you knew he was under the influence of alcohol. That was something of the norm now-a-days. He trudges into your room but you pretend to still be asleep because if he sees that you're awake, he'll get angry.

You shift slightly, as if you have been disturbed, but he sooths you, putting a hand on your forehead and slurred some words. Then you pretend to relax and that's when something unusual occurs.

He shuts the door but hasn't left the room and he violently rips the duvet covers off of you, climbs on top and puts a palm viciously over your mouth, silencing you, but you're too scared to scream.

You've turned rigid, every inch of you paralysed. He rips your pyjama bottoms down and touches you in a way that you know it isn't right. But there is doubt in your mind. Maybe Daddies are meant to do this with their sons?

He rapes you. But you don't know that. It's excruciating and you still remember the pain, how you felt blood trickling down your legs as he grunted and groaned, hot and heavy into your young ears and when he was finished with you, he refused to move his hand away from your mouth until he was satisfied that you'd stay quiet.

'_Brendan. Our little secret boy okay? Every little lad has this type of secret with their Da's'_

Then he strolled out, leaving you in a state of horror, shivering in your bed even thought your body is hot and sweaty and your legs still exposed to the cold Irish air.

You remember limping out of bed the next morning and shuffling downstairs but you dare not say anything. Your excuse was something along the lines of;

'_Hurt my leg during P.E'_

And your dad smiles at you.

Every day after that, you'd freeze every time you heard his familiar footsteps, praying silently, throwing the duvet over your head, clenching your eyes shut and sometimes, when he wasn't in the mood, he'd leave you alone and you'd sigh in relief. But when he was in the mood, you'd gasp when your protection was ripped away and his palm would cover your mouth and the same thing would happen again.

'You alright?'

The familiar sound of Steven's voice comes from behind you, startling you out of your flashback. For a moment there, you felt trapped again. Stuck in the past and again it is this boy, this beautiful boy who has bought you back to reality.

You stand just inside the fire exit door, looking out at the village on the balcony and he leans on the door frame opposite you.

You take a deep breath and shake those thoughts out of your head momentarily.

'Yeah. Yeah I'm fine'

'You seemed a bit lost there'

You look at his face, your gaze is hooked by the cuts on his face. The cuts that you caused and your stomach wretches for a second because you make yourself sick.

'No. No I was just... thinking'

You shake your head and look back out towards the village, your eyes following random pedestrians, nosing in on their routes.

'About what?'

He asks you. Not in a prying tone at all, but he is generally curious, although he has held back slightly, expecting you to shrug him off, but you don't.

'My Da'

A silence follows and you know that Steven is considering whether to continue his questioning. In a way, you want him too. You need to get this off of your chest, but you have lived your whole life with this.

'He won't come between us Bren. You nearly lost him the other day and I know you don't get on but...'

He pauses because he knows he has said this before and he knows you're going to silence him. You never will make up with your father, because he is no father of yours. Despite his apology, you will never forgive him what he did to you.

'He was a bad man Steven. Everything he did to me-'

He cuts you off, interrupts because he thinks he has heard this before and he doesn't like it when you drift back into that haunting place because he hates having to pull you out.

'Look Brendan, we can move on from it. You and me. Together.'

'Steven... please...'

You look at him with a pleading expression. You want your room to speak and you're so ready to tell him now.

'He took everything away from me'

Then you stare out to the sky, the white fluffy clouds and the sound of cars passing by, filling the silence.

'Everything. He killed the love inside of me... I was 8 years old...'

You whisper, because you can't believe your saying this and it's hurting your throat. You can feel his eyes burning into you, stabbing like knives and your heart is thumping in your ears. This is about to happen. You're about to reveal everything and spill your darkest secret.

'Is that the first time he hit you or something?'

You shuffle on your feet because the nerves are getting to you now and you suddenly hold back. You don't know whether you can do this. What if it scares him and he runs a million miles away? What if you change in his eyes and become repulsing?

'No. It's when he first...It's when...'

No. You can't. You're so close but the words won't spill off your tongue and you can't make them do so either.

'It's when he first... What?'

You exhale, every inch of Oxygen and sanity leaving your body and you look him in the eye, stare into him with such intensity that he becomes uncomfortable.

'My Da...He abused me.'

He frowns in disbelief. He knew that Seamus was dodgy but could he really put abuse to his name? He goes to say something but nothing comes out.

'When I was... 8 years old, he came to my room after a night at the pub. He pulled the duvet off of me...'

You sigh again, shake your leg back and forth, tears forming in your eyes and there is no going back now. Nothing to stop you from telling him the whole story, put that final piece in the puzzle.

'He raped me. He raped me Steven. Every day practically; until I was 14'

You feel a tear trickle down your flushed cheek and you raise a hand, swipe it away, almost in embarrassment. You don't look at him. Not yet. You can't because if he doesn't believe you, you don't want to see the expression of doubt. Not again. You can't bear to see the same face he pulled when you got arrested or when you denied sexual assault on Kevin.

He uncrosses his arms and takes a minute step forward and you straighten up slightly because he is making you uncomfortable, coming into your personal space. You dare a look and you see that his face contains conflicting emotions and you stand up fully now, break down and choke, a lump forming in your throat.

'I'm so disgusting!'

The tears that you had been fighting, stream down your face and he viciously shakes his head, but doesn't reach out to touch you because he knows what you get like. You're still affected by your pride and after what you have just said, you don't want to be touched because it'll take you back to that time again.

'No No'

You don't know whether he is denying your statement, or whether he is too stunned for words. You hope it is the second scenario.

'No. Why would he do that? You were just a boy... He... he hurt you... No'

His voice quivers and you straighten up fully, arch your back slightly and glance in his direction, see his eyes welling with moisture and you see how much he is hurting from this. Maybe you shouldn't have told him.

'I'm disgusting'

You say again because you are. You feel so dirty and then you go back again, your mind drifting off. You remember being able to smell the cigarettes on his fingers and the alcohol on his breath, mixed with the odour of mud from where he had fallen walking through the park, a well known shortcut to get back home...

'You are not disgusting and don't you ever ever think that!'

He's angry now, angry because everything makes sense. You practically told him when you tried to talk him out of the Deli and he is kicking himself that he didn't see it before and it hurts, looking at him and seeing his perfect diamond tears running down his face.

'I'm so dirty'

You lean back against the doorframe again because this is physically starting to cripple you and you don't know whether you'll be able to stand without support.

'How many times?'

Again he isn't ordering an answer, but he knows that talking about things makes it seem a hell of a lot easier and that is something that you have only just discovered. You shake your head and stick out your bottom lip for emphasis.

'You lose count...After a while'

He breaks down, tries to hug you but then holds back because he remembers what you're like with your pride but you need to hold him. You need to feel his body pressed into yours because that is the only thing that will give you comfort and he sees this change in you, lunging forward, placing both hands on your face and kissing you with his gorgeous lips.

This is what you need and it feels so fucking good, his warm mouth pressed against yours and you uncross your arms and wrap them around his waist, pulling him closer because you need to feel the body heat radiate on to you, almost like evidence that he is still here with you and you hold him tightly lifting the bottom of his jacket slightly and touching your fingers to his skin.

He pulls away and you feel at a loss, because you could kiss him forever, hold him in your arms for an eternity.

'He is never gunna touch you again okay? Never. I'm gunna look after you'

You chuckle slightly. Not because you feel inferior. No. You don't care if you feel inferior around Steven. You chuckle because something so simple seems to make you feel so safe. You look after each other now. He is your saviour and you look at him direct in the eye and smile because you feel happy. A weight has been lifted from your shoulders, but that weight will still always remain and it will always haunt you. But having Steven with you, right here and right now, makes your heart flutter and it makes you feel better, like you can forget everything in the world in his presence.

'I promise I'll look after you okay? He is just sick. So so sick and he'll never hurt you again. I'll make sure of it. He's gunna get what's coming to him'

Then Steven looks past you, into the distance and you hope certain thoughts aren't running through his head.

'Steven, No. Don't do anything stupid please'

'I'm not going to. The things he did to you... they'll catch up on him. Whatever you have to do to get rid of him, if it ever comes to that... then do it'

He rubs your arms and curls his hands around your neck and he loves you so much but you love him more than life itself. You'd give anything to keep him safe, you'd give him up if you had too, sacrifice your own happiness and you did this once. You ran away to Dublin, left him because he was set up for marriage and you couldn't watch that but it's like you told Declan. A man doesn't run away. He makes things right.

'I've lived with this my whole life...'

And you trail off again, trying not to slip back and as always, he keeps you with him, making you look him in the eyes.

'You and me against the world yeah? Like it always has been and like it always will be'


End file.
